A Part of Me: Fears from the Past

What we experienced in our childhood days has always an impact in our own personality. Sometimes it is good but sometimes it is bad. It always contributes to what we are yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

As a child, I also had the cutest, happiest and extraordinary experiences. From riding in a carousel to playing paper dolls, from getting one’s snack to bullying one’s friend and from asking so many questions to realizing it on my own. 

But, every children has their own stories… it is not always happy and exciting sometimes it is fearful and traumatic. Experiences which made me like this, fears which trapped me and prevent me in exploring and expressing the real me.

These things were the part of me… the part of me which says that I have…

Fear of Rejection

When I was on my adolescence stage, the people around me always make me feel that I was not enough to be accepted. I was always compared to others and ended up like a “no choice” option. I always feel that I was good for nothing that is why most of them reject me. I had a hard time searching myself but my mind and heart was too young to understand all those things.

Since then, I had that fear… fear to be rejected. I never had the confidence to express my own because I’m afraid that the past may repeat itself and I will end up asking myself “why?” 

Fear of Embarrassment

As far as I remember, I was in the fourth grade when I had a trauma... they were staring at me, their eyes teased me, their laughter criticized me and their words embarrassed me. I don’t know what to do and how to overcome that nightmare. 

Since then, I became more careful… the way I think, the way I talk and the way I act. I prevent myself from talking and doing if I don’t know that specific matter.

I always put in my mind that “less talk, less mistake.”

Fear of Angry Voices

I was only six years old when I had this experience. My father shouted in front of me… with mad voice and angry stare. In my young age, I was afraid… extremely afraid. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move. I was in the corner of our room, crying and staring on my father’s face. 

So when I heard people talking or shouting with anger, I find it hard to breathe, the uneasiness and fear will suddenly embraced me and worst I will end up crying in one corner. 

 

Today, I am not getting any younger but, there is still a part of me which is young and flimsy. There is still a part of me longing and seeking for love, attention and appreciation. 

I always say to myself that I’m already twenty, so I must learn to overcome my fears but how will I be able to do this if my fears repeat itself from today?